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A little about me.... ok a lot!!

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  • A little about me.... ok a lot!!

    I have been reading so much here and I am getting triggers of memory here and there about myself as a child and some behaviours I had that were/are puzzling.

    Some of the things I'm reading triggering these following thoughts....

    the getting up and walking for no reason.. going into a room and not knowing what I came in for only to go back and continue what it was I was doing,, tv, computer etc. I do this often as an adult whether it was in a work environment or at home.

    As a child I remember pacing and pacing the house, going from one room to another pretending that I was actually doing something, I think I thought I was looking busy in order not to be reprimanded for not doing anything... or being given something to do.

    As a child I thought I was different than everyone else, I would fantasize that I was an alien and everyone else was human or visa versa... I was the only human and everyone was alien but this could not be a known fact or something would happen. I remember going to the beach and swimming in the water away from people pretending I was a mermaid and I was observing all those humans on the beach and in the water. As a child I had very few friends, I shied away from other kids, I was teased and bullied in school being the only hearing impaired person in the school there was little understanding about this even from the teachers.

    As a child I remember my dad coming down at night (I slept in the basement, finished basement) to tell me to keep quiet, I think it was the throat noises I made and at times they would get very loud, but since I took my hearing aids off at night I didn't wake myself up.

    As a child I hated leaving anywhere by myself and I would cry and actually have fits of tantrums. An example, it would be time for my summer vacation at my grandparents, I would literally kick and scream, I remember my grandfather physically holding me in the truck to keep me from opening the door ... and he's doing this while driving. Once I got to the house I was fine until it came time to leave again to go home. I would cry and carry on...... I don't recall a fear of cars or driving since I didn't have this problem when the whole family was together and we went places. Even as a young teenager, I went to visit my sister in the States and I'd cry leaving home and I'd cry leaving her. I don't do this anymore but just thinking about those times my emotions come to the surface again.

    My mom called me a moody child, she said I was alright until I started school at 5 years old. Then I became hard to get along with and tried her patience constantly. When she got to the point that I was out of control that's when she would get my dad and then I'd get it .... physically. They called me stubborn, pigheaded, and so on.

    As a teenager I constantly fought with them for my rights, I wanted to make my own decisions and live my life on my own terms. At 13 I was put on 'nerve pills' and I remember my mom physically forcing a pill down my throat every afternoon when I got home from school... she said it was to settle me down before supper or at least calm me down from being at school. I must have been a handful for her.

    Also, my sleeping patterns became to the point where I'd rather stay in bed all day, I could dream, wakeup and go back to sleep to continue the dream or sometimes I could control the dream. Either way I preferred to sleep than be awake...... my waking times were not happy ones. Looking back I can see my major depressions but I was not diagnosed with this since my mom denied the existence of depressions although she suffered from them herself.... she called them 'bad nerves' at that time.

    I'm sorry if I'm rambling but since being here I'm seeing so many topics that are triggering my own memories and thoughts of my lifetime. I always considered myself to be separate from everyone else, not understanding why I was sooooo 'different'. Even now I feel that I don't "fit", and many times I feel like my conversations with others are either not interesting or I can go way over their head in comprehension or I don't understand the conversation since it's going over "my' head. This feeling will make me uncomfortable enough to avoid social situations many many times.

    My life right now is a mixture of chaos and major changes in family dynamics. The most drastic change I see in myself started almost 6 years ago when my Mom passed, her passing was totally unexpected and I was beside her when she suddenly fell back and was gone.... she was only 71 years young and I still haven't gotten over the shock and the image of that still horifies me. I became my Dad's caregiver and gave up everything in my life to look after him, I almost became a hermit never leaving my house unless it was to look after dad and take him somewhere. I did finished the computer courses I was taking but never followed through on making it my career.

    My Dad and I opened a restaurant together, but it didn't do well with the economy and the price of everything started to skyrocket.... bad timing on our part. Then my brother passed away from a brain tumor and that was hard on my dad (second child he has had to bury, lost my oldest sister in 1996). A little more that a year later my Dad is gone.... I was with him right up to the end.. that was so hard.

    So, with this little history I don't know if my lack of motivation, self doubts, confusion, scattered thoughts, feeling of not having a clue, is due to my thought patterns I've had all my life combined with dealing with grief and the overwhelming daily chore of living. (I'm also the executor of my dad's estate, and dealing with a lawsuit since he disinherited most of his grandchildren for lying and stealing money from him)

    OMG... this is turning into a book... sorry.

    Getting some of this off my chest seems to help to sort out my jumbled thoughts and knowing the information here helps me to understand me a little better and perhaps this understanding will come acceptance finally.


    Thanks for listening and allowing me to talk your ear off.

    deb

  • #2
    A little about me.... ok a lot!!

    Hi Deb

    It's amazing how often people like you and me and so many others visit this forum and read other member's stories only to say "OMG...That's me!"

    I can relate to some of what you have been so brave to share but the best is this one:
    My mom called me a moody child
    My family said the same things about me... I cried all the time... my siblings pinned me on a bed to take a picture of me crying so that I would never forget... guess what I never forgot, being pinned down that is! I have a great relationship with my family and have been fortunate to date that all my siblings and my parents (also in their 70's) are still living. I never realized why I was like I was till I had my oldest son's diagnosis. It is so common for people our age to come to realize our own neurologies through the diagnosis of our children and then life seems to fall into perspective. There is something to be said for the saying' " hindsight is 20/20"

    I have learned that journaling and getting thoughts and feelings onto paper is very therapeutic and so is getting your story out. Thank you so much for being vulnerable and sharing your story... you may find that there is either someone already on the BB or someone who will join in the future who will sit and say " OMG that's me!" after reading what you have shared.

    I hope you make this forum a regular place to visit.
    Janet

    TSFC Homepage

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    • #3
      A little about me.... ok a lot!!

      thanks Janet for responding. You talk about journalizing, I don't know how many times I've started that only to stop over and over again. I was 15 when I first started 'My Diary' I made so many promises only to break them.... start and stop..... start and stop. My writing was so sporadic and when I would force myself to write it would all come out jumbled, forced and didn't make much sense.

      One day I found my '15 year old thoughts' diary and read them, you know I didn't even recognize myself and I didn't like that person either, that shocked me.

      I even tried taping my thoughts, but talking out loud sounded weird and intimidating so that didn't last long. Probably, my best method is to do it when the mood strikes.... or when I've had a trigger. This is why counseling hasn't been something I look for since I can't set myself up to be in the mood to talk just because I have the appointment set to do just that. Oh boy, are these excuses or the real me?

      There is so much I didn't put in my above rambles, that when I do think of something else I am overwhelmed by the stored up thoughts I have.

      You speak of crying a lot as a child, I remember my crying bouts, I would just go in my room and sob, this was usually after I had a temper tantrum or just being so angry I hurt my cat (I feel sick over hurting him) and that cat would turn around and cuddle with me proving to me that animals have such unconditional love that my guilt over what I did made me hate myself. Over and over again I would have my rage, I never hurt myself, but I did become bossy with my playmates.... I had one girl that I chummed with and she was 5 years younger than me (trigger from someone's posting about people associating with others younger than themselves)... most of my friends were younger than my age, since I have never felt my age or I felt out of league with others my age.

      Oh,,, here I go again... writing another chapter.

      Thanks again Janet for your support and understanding.

      Comment


      • #4
        A little about me.... ok a lot!!

        Deb:

        At some specialty stores you can find a daily journal with quotes and thoughts for the day, sometimes even little poems for the day.

        I found it a great thing to have on a annual basis and found myself going back to pages I missed. I like the morning and evening thoughts they give you.
        PJK

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        • #5
          A little about me.... ok a lot!!

          Originally posted by PJK
          Deb:

          At some specialty stores you can find a daily journal with quotes and thoughts for the day, sometimes even little poems for the day.

          I found it a great thing to have on a annual basis and found myself going back to pages I missed. I like the morning and evening thoughts they give you.
          thanks PJK for this, it might be an idea ... I'm heading to town today I'll take a look at our local book stores (Coles,,,,etc)

          Comment


          • #6
            A little about me.... ok a lot!!

            Deb:

            the feeling you share are very common. Children with TS are typically not as mature as their peers of the same age. This is very common and for that reason we see the kids with TS spending their tom,e with people who are younger. This is not a concern for younger kids and may be more of a concern as they get into their later teens. We find that once into mid-20s people tend to catch up with respect to maturation.

            I call my oldest an "intellectual chameleon" because I find that he acts or behaves as the company he keeps. Ex when with his younger brothers he behaves like they do when he is with adults he appreas very mature when with his friedns he can appear to be as mature as they are. It's amazing to watch

            best method is to do it when the mood strikes.... or when I've had a trigger.
            Hey... I am the same way.. write when you feel like it... write not to record your day but to vent or record what peeves you off or what triggered your upset. That is why I love this BB because it gives people an opportunity to say what is really bothering them and their is no judgement.

            One day I found my '15 year old thoughts' diary and read them, you know I didn't even recognize myself and I didn't like that person either, that shocked me.
            I go back to things I have written too and wonder, "what was I thinking?" "where was my head?" guess what? 15-year olds are not always likeable just because they are 15 not because they have TS. It's part of being a teenager and trying to make you presence known and figuring out who you are. I'm willing to bet any mom on here who has a teen can tell you... "there are times when I don't like my kid" ... that happens just because it's the most challenging time in a childs life. That is why as adults we sometimes wish we could go back and relive parts of our lives knowing what we know today! :?

            I love PJK's idea around getting thoughts for the day... I survived on those for a long time to keep myself motivated etc, I still use them at work when talking to people.

            some of my favorites:

            Code:
            what you think about, you bring about.
            
            your attitude determines your altitude
            
            inch by inch, it's a cinch
            
            you can eat an elephant one bite at a time
            
            fake it till you make it
            I can go on, but all are meant to keep you focused on the fact that you can gradually impact your own destiny with positive self-talk.

            Please continue to share... we are here all the time 24/7 :D
            Janet

            TSFC Homepage

            Comment


            • #7
              A little about me.... ok a lot!!

              When you talked about the mermaid in the water...I luved and luv doing that...yes I am 14 but I was wondering if you had any good advice in the ADULTS WITH TS section...that explains why I am here...but I just have a good imagination...so maybe that explains the imaginative thoughts

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: A little about me.... ok a lot!!

                Thanks DEb! for your incite I can relate to what you said it all sounds so familiar, I remember when I was younger and we would go to a party I would get worked up then the tics would just out. Thanks I think I feel at home here.

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