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Denise the Menice

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  • Denise the Menice

    I have the most wonderfull, stuborn 7yr. old on the planet. We are out of parenting ideas. We have tried everything, emptying his room, taking away his game boy for a week, grounded after school every day, nothing works. He just doesnt care. We need some new ideas for parenting the difficult child, anybody got any??? He is fine when his med's are working but between dinner and bed, and getting up and leaving for school he is un managable and I am going out of my mind. My common law partner is ready to go live somewhere else. Between the 3 boys and myself we live in a nut house. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

  • #2
    Denise the Menice

    I have the most wonderfull, stuborn 7yr. old on the planet.
    I presume your seven year old is one of the boys with Tourette. If that's the case, I would propose that punishing him for behaviour that might be related to his disorder will likely be counter productive. Punishment tells him the tics or uncontrolled behaviour is his fault, which would inevitably raise his anxiety level, thereby raising the tic threshold.

    Have you considered some form of family counseling with a child behavioural specialist? Do you feel the exasperation of your life partner might be due to a misunderstanding of your son's disorder?

    You may wish to make use of some of the literature available from TSFC or from the Forum which describes the involuntary nature of Tourette

    In my own view, your obligation is to find a way to help your son deal with his disorder, so he can grow up to be a well adjusted adult. Your life partner should be supportive of that goal and help you achieve it.

    Have you investigated the availability of family counseling in your area?
    Steve
    TouretteLinks Forum

    Comment


    • #3
      Denise the Menice

      Hi there

      Have you read Ross Green's book "the Explosive Child" it is all about collaborative problem solving with your child? It is a great resource and it really works.

      it is discussed in a thread already on this forum. key Ross Green into the search option at the top of your page and it will find all the threads where this is discussed.
      Janet

      TSFC Homepage

      Comment


      • #4
        Denise the Menice

        Perform the search by entering the words "ross and green" without the quotations but with the word "and"

        The search engine requires the use of the word "and" for two word combinations such as Ross Green.
        Steve
        TouretteLinks Forum

        Comment


        • #5
          Denise...

          He has TS and ADHD I am very well educated in TS and no he is not being punished for tic behavior. It is more ADHD stuff and just generally being a pain in the ... he is incredibly stubborn, for example he had a waffle for breakfast today, he wanted butter & honey on it and his dad only put honey on it. He refused to eat it and was pitchin a fit and refusing to eat. He started to rip it up and almost went to school with no breakfast. He eventually eat it after lots of crying, and getting grounded after school for screaming & yelling at me. He just wants things his way or not at all, it is kind of like having a 2ur. old who is almost 8.

          Comment


          • #6
            Denise the Menice

            I can relate to the fuss over food even after you think you prepared it the way he wanted it. Our 8 yo who also has TSplus has issues with food. They seem to have settled in the past 6 months but we have had so many incidents over food that I would dread meal time. There are times that I would just prepare the food as he needed and if it was not right in his mind I would offer nothing else unless it was a piece of fruit. depending on his mood he sometimes ate fruit other times he cried till he too gave in and ate what was prepared.

            With some things I have him in the room with us when preparing his snacks so that I can constantly get his confirmation with what he feels he needs so I can be as proactive as possible. Do you think he would be willing to lend a hand for his snacks? I have 4 boys and totally can relate to the frustration because I have a 5 yo who also has food issues.

            I know the food is probably not the only trigger but from my experience the issue with my kids are not mood related but sensory related... tons o sensory defensiveness in my household. Has you son seen anyone in OT?

            Hopefuly someone will sign in with experience in this area.
            Janet

            TSFC Homepage

            Comment


            • #7
              Denise..

              he just like to be in control of every moment. even if he is given choices he will pick something completly different. his brother has some sensory problems but he doesnt. between the 3 of them we just about cover the entire spectrum of problems from sleep disorders, sensory problems, mood/depression, behavior difficulties, communication defficites, executive dysfunction, we got it all covered. That doesnt even cover my mood disorder, depression, un-treated ADHD, Fibromyalgia, and I have had shoulder surgery with the possibility of more. And my spouse wants to walk out cause he cant take the stress anymore, and who can blame him? I want to walk out some days too, but its not an opption. Sorry for venting I dont have any friends and my mother doesnt get it. I am very stressed right now, again I am sorry.

              Comment


              • #8
                Denise the Menice

                Sorry for venting I dont have any friends and my mother doesnt get it.
                No need to apologize here for venting. We are here to support one another and to help if we can.

                Acceptance and understanding from others who have had to overcome similar difficulties help in the healing process. Hearing about the experiences and strategies others have used can sometimes offer insights.

                It's obvious how you might feel overwhelmed by the combination of stressors in your life.

                I don't know if the following resource can be of interest or assistance:

                Fibromyalgia Support Forum

                Do you currently have access to any local support in the form of a health professional who can help you deal with your situation?
                Steve
                TouretteLinks Forum

                Comment


                • #9
                  Denise

                  my biggest support is probably my GP and he cant help much as all these things are specialized areas. The kids phsychiatrist only comes up the firts friday of the month (as I live in a small town), and he hasent seen the Boys since the begining of Feb. when he perscribed Clonidadine to my oldest (zyprexa) and has'nt seen him since.we also have a developmental pediatrition but dont get to much help there either. How do I keep my family together? how do I save myself and my sanity? How does he save his? He does'nt know how to deal with stress...I am in volved with the adult mental health program in town and have recently been moved to a more hands on approach. I feel lost, scared, alone...

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Denise the Menice

                    Hi ticsx3,

                    There is a discussion on coping methods which might help.

                    I would call your local hospital and discuss your situation with the mental health unit on pediatrics or call the adult mental health unit and ask about how to get more help for your family.

                    You can save your sanity but at this point, a little help will go along ways.

                    Did you call the Schizophrenia society in your area because you can go to their meetings with Tourette Syndrome and discuss your concerns. They are a strong organization and they will help you find resources in your community.

                    Keep us posted because we want to help. Steph

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Denise the Menice

                      In agree with Steph, you need to look after yourself first or you will be no help to your kids. Through coping methods and through having someone for you to talk to about how you feel is what will save your sanity. The people who can listen and help you process what goes on in your household are the professional or people who are living similar situations... your family may never get it, once you get yourself grounded... then you'll be able to resolve the relationships around you.

                      stay connected with us... we strive to be here 24/7 and we expect venting because that is what support is all about... having someone to vent to and being able to bounce ideas off of.
                      Janet

                      TSFC Homepage

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Just a few ideas

                        I have a child like that too. From the time she was 18 months old if she didn't get her way she would fling herself into walls and tantrum for an hour. She had a speech delay and during one of her therapy appointments for speech at the local childrens hospital, she pitched one of her incredible fits. We promptly got refered to the pychiatric department......of course it was determined that it was her strong personality and not a mental illness. So I feel for you.

                        Honestly the best advice I can give two things. The first is to allow him as much choice as possible before there is a problem. So ask him what he wants for breakfast for example....better yet, have him help prepare it. Then if it's not the way he likes, he only has himself to blame. I know it seems like in a busy morning schedule there isn't time to do this, but I'm sure there isn't time to deal with the major fit either. Better he's taking time but cooperating than doing it because he's flipping out.

                        The second is to use natuaral consequences as much as possible. For example, if he rips his food up, tosses it on the floor, and won't eat then don't try to force him. Let him be a bit hungry. He won't starve by missing one meal, and hopefully he'll catch on that being hungry sucks. It sounds aweful but it was a battle of wills with my daughter and I was losing everytime. I finally gave up expecting her to adhere to rules that in the big scheme of things weren't that important. Sure I wish she didn't wear the same dress to preschool everyday.....but they know her personality very well too and understand why I let her. It's always clean, and it save me major headaches.

                        Failing that I suggest talking to your doctor or a therapist and be very clear how this is affecting your family. Tell them how bad it it....don't sugar coat it. When I went in and told my family doctor that it was so bad I was actually thinking I'd have to put her in foster care because I didn't know what to do anymore, the doctor took me very seriously. Of course I don't want to put her there, and now we have resources and help to deal with stuff, but they need to know that your common law partner may leave over it. Best of luck.

                        Colleen

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          denise...

                          Thank you everyone for your input and support. I have a therapist and have just tranfered to a more Hands On case managment, someone who comes to the house once a week to go for a walk plus my therapist. There are no support groups in town and we live over 1hr. from the city.
                          There is a psychiatrist who comes up the first friday of the month but doesn't feel that the Boys are important enough to see on a regular basis. And I am very candid about my life. The pediatritian says to come back in 3 months. And my GP is at a loss because he's just a regular Dr. and this is all WAY out of his area and he readily admits it. Unfotunatly he is probably my biggest ally with the least resources.

                          As for Nate's stubborn drive you crazy behavior, he has as much choice as posible to offer him. He chose creamy kraft dinner to eat tonight then half way threw the first bowl ( out of a whole box) he says he doesn't like it and is refusing to eat. A huge wrench is that it is 8:30pm. my spouse is working and I have to take him with me to go pick up the other boys and their friends at the swimming pool. So this is supposed to be his dinner and he is already on a High Calorie diet (dietition recomended) and I dont want him to go to bed with out eating, and I am pissed that he is now saying that he wont eat the kraft dinner. Anyway, we go get the big kids, he bitches all the way, we get back at 8:50pm. I conced and make instant oatmeal and he wins again...

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Denise the Menice

                            Ticsx3,

                            Case management is a wonderful intervention for patients and their families. The case management nurse will help you find and access services in your community, will help in the management of patients health care, which will provide much needed care for you and your family.

                            Let us know how case management has made a difference for your family. Steph

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Denise the Menice

                              You have been given a lot of good advise and Steph is right about the case management program.

                              If you can get in it will help all your family members. We used the local Mental Health Dept. to get some results for our family and it did make a difference. I also used the after hour program by phone and could even get a worker out at our home for support. They would report back to the clinician the next morning and I would get a call checking up on any progress or concerns.

                              When my son was younger we experienced some of the same concerns. It was like have a "little Hitler" in the home running the lives of everyone.

                              The ADHD and ODD behavior disrupted everyone. We did get through it with some tears and boundaries. The book mentioned is a wonderful resource to create some strategies to manage and was worn out in our household.

                              I regret you do not get the support you need through your physicians involved but it is true that you have to push your way through the system to get the help you need sometimes.

                              Journalize your experiences and do not let his behavior risk someone else's well being. If that is the case go to the ER immediately and they will help you by making someone manage your case.

                              You have to be able to take care of yourself to take care of everyone else. It is a shame your mate feels so lost in the situation but the two of you must be on the same page.
                              Your home must feel like yours and not just your son's or everyone will be pushed out.

                              Things do and can get better so there is always hope and we have been reasonably successful in our our case.

                              The morning and evening issues can happen to anyone and are not foreign to anyone on this forum.
                              In our case timing of med's and eating schedules have made a big difference. My son gets him evening meal after school and then a portion of a meal in the evening when we eat. The snack comes by 7 or 8 then down time before bed. We are not always successful but muddle through. We do not however have anymore outbursts or control issues.

                              Please keep us posted and don't feel bad about venting here. The tools are provided here to make a difference for your future so no one feels like running and plays a part in fixing the issues. Venting and acting on the advice provided can make a difference for your family.
                              PJK

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