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  • verbal abuse

    Hi.... does anyone have advice for us? We are really at the point where we dont know where to turn.
    Just today, my son (12) who has Tourettes.... said to me when I asked him to clean his shirt and a kleenex off the bed before he went out, "I hope you die a slow and painful death, and I'll think its funny. Whatta ya think about that?" I just ignored him and left the room. His father came to intervene, and he told him to "go to He**, you bas**rd"
    A couple of hours later, I asked him about speaking to me like that. He said to me "you suck".

    Is this really Tourettes speaking?

    Are there any Tourettes affected persons out there that can tell me this will pass at some point?

    He is currently being treated at Toronto Western.
    Thanks

  • #2
    verbal abuse

    Donna,

    Has your son demonstrated this kind of behaviour prior to this incident? What was his demeanor before and after saying these things...did he look angry and vindictive or did he appear remorseful and apologetic?

    My experience with colprolalia is that the person is generally apologetic after blurting out the inappropriate language, because the vocal tic much like the motor tic is involuntary.

    Do you feel there may have been some prior precipitating factors that let to an angry outburst?

    What is the nature of your son's treatment at Toronto Western, Donna?
    Steve
    TouretteLinks Forum

    Comment


    • #3
      verbal abuse

      Hi Donna 442,

      Welcome to the TSFC website. We are really happy to meet you.

      I am a firm believer that a Mom and Dad really know their child best. So whatever advice I give here please, it is always best to go with your gut instinct because you both know him.

      It sounds to me that he is testing his limits. He is turning into a teenager and unfortunately it is a hard time to be a parent. I would ask him if anything is bothering him because sometimes anger is misdirected.

      Have you discussed this with his doctor?

      Let us know how we can support you and your family.

      Comment


      • #4
        verbal abuse

        No he is not usually apolegetic at all. He says its not "his problem". Sometimes he will say he didnt mean it, when questioned later, but again in an angry kind of attitude about it instead of being sorry.

        Oh yes. He has been having these kinds of outbursts for years now actually. He's getting more physical now though. Hes throwing things around his room, throwing things down the stairs. Kicking his door...
        They happen pretty much daily.

        We've discussed it with a number of doctors, and therapists. They say he cannot control it. That it is like asking a person in a wheelchair to walk, when we ask him to go to his room if he is in this kind of state.

        We have very limited family and the ones we do have are not particulary interested in hearing us. They tell us we should seek help from the doctors. But sometimes you really just need to talk to someone who can listen to you, and just vent a bit. Just the kind of thing this message board provides I guess. I am disappointed that they couldnt just once say "that must be very difficult to have to live with". Both sets of our parents are deceased .... I guess they would have been the ones to have said that. However thats another story!

        We have been told that he feels that we dont love him (by the doctor) and that we need to make him feel more secure and loved, and that by doing this his behaviour will get better.
        It is soooo difficult to really want to spend time with him though.

        He calls his younger brother a "devil", and good for nothing and generally does not get along with him at all.

        To top it off he is adopted, and his younger brother is biological, thus making him feel that we love younger brother more, because he is not adopted. This is not the case.
        The only thing that prevents our relationship from being better, is the terrible terrible things he says.
        He is such a lovely boy with other people. It is too bad we cannot see the same behaviours.
        I worry that he will not be able to develop a long term relationship either, when he is older, and may not hold a job.
        He's also got ADHD and is not doing too well at school.

        I just wish someone could tell me, that someday this will all pass but I fear that it will not.
        My husband is ready to have him put into care or a residential place.
        I think that would devaste him (my son).

        Well, I've said a lot ........... time to turn it back over to someone else!

        Comment


        • #5
          verbal abuse

          Donna,

          Sometimes when we have to figure out how to deal with family issues, the issues can be so overwhelming that it becomes impossible for family members to see the issues objectively.

          A suggestion could be that as a caring family, you seek family counseling as well as individual therapy, and not just with a Tourette specialist but with a child psychiatrist.

          It might be that everything is being blamed onTourette and there may be other dynamics involved that can be interpreted by a trained mental health specialist.

          There is no disgrace in seeking professional help and counseling, particularly when the emotional and psychological wellbeing of your family is concerned.

          Please keep us posted on your progress.

          Regards,
          Steve
          TouretteLinks Forum

          Comment


          • #6
            verbal abuse

            Hi Donna

            I feel for you. I am going thru the same thing everyday too. After hearing it over and over, it gets kinda annoying. I go to bed at night and get up in the morning with a headache cause I know what is gonna happen the next morning. It's no picnic let me tell you. Not sure if they will ever grow out of it cause my son is 12 yrs old now and it's getting worse. Just this morning he said to me......leave you not wanted here....

            Comment


            • #7
              verbal abuse

              I think I have heard that the rage mellows a bit as they mature... but man thats going to be a number of years yet.
              I just hope he doesnt put actions to the words that he says one of these days.
              One can only hope, and do the best we can.

              Comment


              • #8
                verbal abuse

                Hi there

                I just wanted to add that there is a lot going on with our boys at this age... keep in mind that teenagers are like aliens... and they are totally trying to figure out who they are and where their boundaries are. To reiterate what Steve said, typically when there are outbursts of phrases, they are totally involuntary and the kids are usually embarrassed once they realize what they said. My son is now 14 1/2 and he has not been too bad with what has come from his mouth but most of his "attitude" is a combination platter of being a teen with raging shifts in hormones combined with TS. Keep in mind when we factor in ADHD there are no inhibitions and they lack impulse control, so it's off the lips before they realize they should not say what they were thinking.

                I wouldn't allow TS to be used as an excuse for hurtful behavior. TS or not, at this age our kids need to know how hurtful they can be and how important it is they be aware of the impact of their words and actions. This social training does not come naturally to our kids.

                Continue to ask questions as to what triggered the comments... not in the moment but later when emotions settle. I too would suggest individual counseling because you need to take care of yourself in order to take care of the family.

                I have had a difficult time understanding my son at times and I have TS... I also remember having horrible thoughts as a kid about my parents and one time I opened my mouth and out it came... I was not aware of TS back then... boy was I grounded! Alot of my anger back then was being one of six kids and noone understood me... I bet this is the common denominator for our kids. I have to make a conscious effort to tell my oldest son how much I love him, no matter what... even when I'm frustrated with him and even when he is nasty to me. All kids go through periods of being jealous. I have to make dates for one -on- one time with my boys to try to mitigate the chance they may feel this way.

                have you tried taking your son out for quality time without his younger brother? my husband is a real house-cat and he has very little in common with our oldest... so I own this part of "nurturing" <sigh>

                My son is on his way to being 15... it did get better and I have found that as he matures, life is getting much easier for all of us.
                Janet

                TSFC Homepage

                Comment


                • #9
                  verbal abuse

                  Hi Donna:

                  Janet makes some very good points and we have personally lived through this with my son when he did not know where he belonged.

                  He has TS, ADHD too. What you are experiencing is emotionally draining but with proper family counseling and individual counseling it can improve. Setting boundaries helped for us too. Sometimes you as a parent become almost apologetic for what the child is living through so you feed the situation and it continues to become worse in the process.

                  We set boundaries with guidance from Professionals, approached the problem directly with help and never allowed the behavior to harm anyone else in the home. After being given some direction and understanding life improved for all of us.

                  The crisis line for the Dept. of Mental Health is a good resource in the evening and can cause specialists that you need to be available quicker in priority. What you are describing would put him in the front of the line here.

                  What you are describing we lived through completely and I understand your concern about the words and if your son will act out what he is saying one day. The rage becomes so bad that you feel like believing after a while that they can do what they say.

                  If it is that bad then you need to get professional assistance for your child and your family. The TS can cause lower tolerance so naturally being emotionally immature does not help the fuse be longer. Seek some help locally and I agree that TS or TS+ should not be the "complete" answer for what you are experiencing.

                  Maybe he is struggling with his place in the family now that he is older and the adoption or knowing that he is different is bothering him. It is a tough age without self doubts.

                  Please keep us posted on your progress and rest assure with assistance it can improve.

                  Take care
                  PJK

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