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Thread: I am just SO angry - and hurting for him...

  1. #1

    Default I am just SO angry - and hurting for him...

    I have just found out that a certain young man in my son's Grade 8 class has taken to calling my son "Twitch". How very nice. >

    Of course, he is very selective when he does this - never when my son is around his friends (who would stand up for him) nor when an adult is within hearing range. But often when the mean-spirited friends are around to hear it and laugh and chuckle with him.

    I am NOT impressed about this, to say the least. It is breaking my heart to think that now that we have finally received some answers to all of the problems he had endured since he started school, he now has ignorant little kids in the class that are showing this type of negative bias toward him.

    Add to that the fact that there is some horrible website called "the tourette guy" that these kids are now visiting... it just makes this disorder even more of a laughing stock. Before he was dx with TS+, I guess "the tourette guy" was just a 'funny' website - now they kids are co-relating it to my son!

    I am just so angry. Of course, if I bring it to the attention of the administration at the school, they will tell the boy to stop, or he will deny his involvement, and then the harrassing will just get worse. I've seen this sort of thing to often to think otherwise.

    Has anyone else ever gone through this sort of thing before? My son has just told this other boy that he is a jerk, but the fact that he mentioned this to his father and I indicates to me that it is bothering him. His self-esteem is already quite low - this is not something he needs just as we are working at building it up again. I feel like phoning this other boy's mother (whom I know on a casual level) and just letting her know how exactly intolerant her "sweet little boy" really is. Ggggrrrr....

    Jori

    PS - I guess the momma lion is rearing her head right now....

  2. #2

    Default Re: I am just SO angry - and hurting for him...

    We went through a similar thing but at a lower grade level gr.5. 2 girls were tormenting my son when he came back from x-mas holidas and had been taken off of all his meds because of behavior problems at home. Trying to start from scratch in the middle of the first yr. of French Immersion was Very Hard to say the least. He did tell the Teacher who tried on several occasions to deal with it, then it went to the Principal (who did tell me to contact the parents) Bad Idea. It is happening @ School it is a school Problem they should be handeling it. Most schools now have a NO TOLERANCE policy. I know how hard it is for your son, and trying to get them to feel good about themselves. My son is now in gr.7 and realizing that he has a harder time in life that his friends around him and that it sucks. But he can stick up for himself and that is the best thing your son can do for himself. Take it from me I was Bullied for years and years but as soon as I stood up for myself the Girls who had been my WORST TORMENTORS in Gr.8 Finaly STOPPED Bullying me. I know that it is not for everyone and it depends on the kid and your own personal beliefs, but when it was @ it's worst for me my parents put me in a Family Run Kung Fu class. It gave me self esteem and confidence to stand up for myself. By the time I was in Gr.10 I was sticking up for other people, and would not tolerate and one around me being bullied whether I knew them or not. On of the things on the site here I have seen lately that I have thought about for my own kids is Air Cadets, there are a couple of postings in here about ppl. who have put there Boys in to it and they are having a great time, and doing so much better over all. Just tell your Son that ppl. who Bully others usually have something that they are scared of or are hiding themselves, and they do it to make themselves feel powerfull when really they are weak. Tell hem you are proud of him for telling the kid he is a Jerk, and to keep sticking up for himself and the kid will get bored and leave him alone. I he gets no response or your son just tells him he's a losser it get's boring. If he gets a reaction of sum sort, your son get's really mad or upset then it is fun and a game. Don't contact the other mom it won't be a good scene. Good luck and tell your son I am pulling for him and hope that it works itself out.
    M

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Apr 2005
    Location
    Ottawa, Canada
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    Default Re: I am just SO angry - and hurting for him...

    Jori,

    This is an unfortunate development for your son. The behaviour of the other child is tantamount to bullying and should be pursued as such.

    Does your school administration have a mechanism for parents to bring such concerns to the forefront?

  4. #4

    Default Re: I am just SO angry - and hurting for him...

    I ran into a problem at the local pool last year where was my son was taking lessons.

    As I was standing outside the locker room waiting for my son I heard verbal bullying take place. When my son came out I asked him who it was and then I went to the parent and gave him a TS phamphlet.

    I did it in a nice way and said I know your son's are not aware and they are just kids. Can you please educate them about TS. The father was very apologetic and said he would.

    I wish that was the end of it but this is what happened next:

    I got a phone call about two weeks later from the manager at the pool. He said that a life guard had witnessed a physical attack on my son in the locker room that same night. I was not aware that it had been physical or likely would have handled it differently at the time. My son did not tell me that it was physical.

    When it happened the lifeguard did not know my son's name he only knew he had TS. The manager was so upset about what had happened that he took the time to go through ALL of their registration forms until they came across one that said TS and took a chance that it was us and called me.

    He suggested that I have my son come into the pool a little before his lesson and sit in the office with him (which has glass windows) and chat before class. He thought this would send a message to the community that my son is accepted, liked, and wanted at the pool. He also wanted to send the message that they all know who my son is and are looking out for him. The manager also talked to the boys mother to let her know this would not be tolerated. They also provided a staff member for the change room when my husband was unable to attend.

    One would think it would end there but unfortunately not.

    About a week later I am sitting in the stands watching my son in his lesson when the boys mother comes up to me and starts to scream at me. This came out of nowhere and really caught me by surprise. Among many things she hollered that my son does not belong outside in the community and he does not belong at school (her sons also went to my son's school where there were ongoing issues between them). She said she was talking to other parents with the idea of having him removed from the pool and school. She did not believe my son had TS and informed me that my son had to stop sticking his tongue out (which was one of his tics at the time) and I needed to stand beside him at all times when he was out in the community to prevent this from happening. She also informed me that she had instructed her two sons to give my son what he had coming to him.

    Through it all I remained calm (when I really felt like ripping her head off) and repeatedly asked her in a soft voice if she would like information about TS. By remaining calm this only irritated her further and she was increasingly verbally abusive. I finally said calmly now you are being abusive to me and she walked away straight to the manager's office.

    The manager called me at home again to assure me that they were offering their full support to my son and had informed the mother that if she ever does that again (they had heard her clear across the pool) she would be asked to leave.

    I reported it to the school as well so that they would be aware and that did seem to be the end of it. She subsequently removed her sons from that swimming program and things have been ok since.

    They still go to the same school and we sometimes see them in the community where they laugh and point at us and this does get to me but there really is nothing I can do about that. On occaision I have found myself standing directly behind her in line at the grocery store and we don't say a word to each other.

    It is long behind us now as this was a year ago. It still does hurt though and likely will for a long time to come.

    I guess the bottom line is I am not sure if I handled this right or could have done anything different to change the outcome.

    Patti

  5. #5

    Default Re: I am just SO angry - and hurting for him...

    I think that sometimes we can do everything right but other people are just to ignorent to go get it. They are to wrapped up in being blind to peoples differences that they just don't see how it could happen. Heaven forbidd something like a mental health issue happens in their family because they will be in complete denial and the kids will suffer.
    Sounds to me like you did All the right things that you could do + the support of the Rec. Center. that is all your son could ask for. You can't control how receptive other people are going to be.

  6. #6

    Default Re: I am just SO angry - and hurting for him...

    I know how you feel. Just reading what has happened makes me want to cry all over again. My son Zack was just diagnosed in grade 5 and when I look back he has been showing symptoms since before kindergarten. His father and I divorced when he started kindergarten so the councellors and everyone just chalked it up to that. He was constantly getting kicked out of school. In grade 1 I kept getting calls to come and pick him up because he kept biting this one child. Finally at the end of the year the Principal decided it would be best if Zack walked around the school with him during recess. Then we found out what was actually happening. Zack was walking with the Principal the one day and this kid just came running up to them and tackled Zack to the ground and started beating on him, then Zack used the only defense he had at the time, he bit him. The Principal dragged the kid off of Zack and took them to the office. They called me at work to come to the school and when I got there they told me what had happened. I asked them what they were going to do about this and they said they couldn't do anything because the other boy was mentally handicapped. I was so mad. And I keep getting madder because I keep looking back and thinking that because nobody diagnosed my son early enough this kid that was mentally handicapped can get away with doing these things and my son just gets punished. There have been other kids in the schools that just torment him and these kids know to watch and make sure the teacher is not looking so they don't get caught. They get him into basically a storm (he explained it to me as he just sees red) and then he gets caught for reacting. I was so happy one day when another childs TA was actually around the corner and saw this one girl bugging him and pushing him around. She got caught but she didn't know it. She went running to the office with her friends to tattle on him but she didn't notice the TA was following right behind her to make sure that the school knew exactly what happened. She then tried to tell the Principal that my son had called her a name so the principal called me and said he didn't know how to ask Zack if he did because it was a very racist word and he didn't want to teach him any new words that the school and I find no tolerance for. I asked him when he got home and he said no he didn't. And then he asked me what the word meant. I had to explain what it meant and then told him that it was very unacceptable for him to use this word and would not be tolerated at all. He asked why she would say that he had called her that and I told him that it was probably because she got caught finally for trying to get him to react to her and she was trying to find a way to get out of trouble and turn the tables on him. The principal agreed that it was not very likely that Zack had said the word because you can tell if he's not telling the truth or stretching the truth. He won't look at you (lol) and when asked he looked us all directly in the face and told us he didn't do it. When he stood up for himself on this everyone kind of took a step back and finally decided that when they are putting classes together that they should not put those two in the same class. And as for the little girl well she didn't bug him anymore. There are good things and there are bad things. But the main thing is that you love your child no matter what and be there for them when they need you. (Or like I do, be there for them, support them, help them and then when they go to sleep at night tuck them in give em a big hug and kiss then go to bed and cry for them and pray that someday people will just understand that they are normal kids that just need the same things every other child needs and a little bit of extra help) Anyway I'm sorry for babbling but I really needed to get this out. Thanks for being such great listeners and understand that you are not alone. I am always willing to listen if you need to get something off of your chest also.

  7. #7

    Default Re: I am just SO angry - and hurting for him...

    My oldest had these girls in gr.5 using some pretty colorfull language. He came home and told me about it, I asked him if he knew what the words ment and he said no. So we had the talk about what they ment. And followed it up with a talk about not using words if you don't know what they mean, even if they are harmless words or regular words. If you don't know don't say it. They hear so much at school but don't really know what it means. I keep instiling this in my 5.

  8. #8

    Default Re: I am just SO angry - and hurting for him...

    I definately agree with you on that one.

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Location
    St. John's NL
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    1,147

    Default Re: I am just SO angry - and hurting for him...

    Patti

    I think you did a great job managing the situation with your son. I am so impressed with you being able to bite your tongue. The fact that you stayed calm and maintained respect for this person regardless of how you flet only made her look worse at the end of it all. I think it is great that the pool and staff were so supportive... this is a positive sign of creating a more accepting and tolerant society.

    great Job
    Janet, mom of 4

    TSFC Homepage


    "Intelligence is always increasing; accommodation allows your intelligence to do what it has always done." Cassie Green, Washington College

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
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    Ontario
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    962

    Default Re: I am just SO angry - and hurting for him...


    Jori

    We've gone through some of this recently and my son is also in 8th grade. Oddly enough it was the girls that targeted him out in the yard. Fortunately for him they were so full of themselves they walked away to get more people involved and he just left and reported to the office.

    Keep the school informed of your concerns...and mention the website to the school social worker..

    It can be a topic of conversation as a group to defuse by pulling someone in from the TSFC or to just stop bullying.
    PJK

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